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Sis. I’m a sucker for romance movies. One thing I learned about me in my single season is I love love. Like all I wanted was someone to love. For why? When talking to the Father, I’m like Lord you know I’ve been in quite a few relationships( I’m being modest) where do I begin?? He spoke so clear, “From the beginning.” I’m like Lord, you know you were my first! Again He spoke, “From the beginning.” You see, God wasn’t my first relationship. It breaks my heart that I didn’t choose Him first, but don’t worry He comes into the journey soon!

Matt. 4th grade. First love. Ever. Thought we were soulmates. Forever Crushin. Sis. Matt was IT. He was so darling and we were the same height. Perfection. I remember playing at recess with him and we sat across from each other in class. He had such a cute smile and blue eyes. LIKE BOOIII. Before my husband starts sucking his teeth, LOL, I’ll move on!  I had the biggest crush on him and one day during independent writing, I wrote my love for him. I mean a FULL page and all. At the end of the note I put, “Will you be my boyfriend?” Well, I never heard back from him. Later, I’m sitting in line outside my classroom and this girl is like, “Brittany, Matt wants me to be his girlfriend, we are going out.” REJECTION #1. Needless to say, he was playing footsies with me under our desk so I knew I had his heart. Ha. When I heard they broke up or whatever you do in elementary school, I wrote him another long letter. I was like this is my time! He walked up to me at recess and said I’m sorry I’m moving to California. REJECTION #2. You see it seems cute and careless, but I developed a sense of not being enough during this dramatic love story. I began questioning myself. What did she have that I didn’t? Why didn’t he choose me? I felt abandoned, because he left. I invested too quickly. I jumped way too fast. Slow down 4th grade Brittany. Go play on the monkey bars or something. Unfortunetly, this is the cycle that began in my life. Love became my god and I wouldn’t stop until I found someone to love me back, even at the cost of losing me.

I feel sometimes we treat the Father this way. What I mean by that is God pours out His affection for us, yet we choose to stay in a relationship that is toxic. He pours out His affection for us, yet we choose our “Matt” over Him simply because in our minds we can’t live without him. We continually reject the Father. We would rather lose ourselves for love. God, sees. Thinking back to the beginning, my heart is saddened. I chose guys over God day after day. I was searching for someone to love me when all the while the God who created Heaven and Earth was looking at me and saying, “I love her.”

God sees all that you are. Even when your “Matt” doesn’t. God accepts you. He doesn’t choose anyone over you. You’re His and He is yours. Forever. It’s when I stopped loving love and fell in love with God that I truly understood my worth.

PS- I would still choose the rope over the bluebonnets. Yes, that picture is me. Not a boy.

Love,

His Beloved

 

 

2 Comments

  1. Pingback: I love love. —

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