thar-desert-near-jaisalmer-rajasthan

What am I suppose to do when I see you and my eyes water, because I know who you are. I was with you for so long. I remember the times we shared. I often feel sometimes it would be easier if I just embraced you. If I hugged you. If I took you by the hand. If I called you up and asked you to go to coffee. If I just called to small talk.

Familiarity, will I ever see you again?

Things have taken some turns in my life and they are great turns. God has truly elevated me and opened doors for me. I have found that I love to be challenged until I’m in the challenge. I want to grow, but God stretches me and I feel like I might break, and growing doesn’t seem so fun anymore. As I look at you familiarity, my eyes water, because I remember what it felt like to feel safe.  I felt in control. There was certainty. Now I’m in this place where the work is piling up and I’m looking up to God, because for a second I wanted to look back at you. When I look down the hallway and what use to be there isn’t there anymore, the people look different, my heart is saddened.

It look me a while to figure out what I was missing and it was you. You bring a lot of what I already know. God has me in a place now, its a place of uncertainty. Of course, He puts me in a place where I will need him. I won’t need Him if I’m with you. That’s truth. And often times the truth is tough to swallow. I’m in a foreign land and it looks so much different yet looks similar to you. This foreign land has me pushing myself to new limits professionally and spiritually. It’s P90X on a daily here. Do I get tired? Yes. Do I doubt myself more than I ever did when I was with you? Yes. I ask myself why I even thought about going back to you, but then it hit me…you are easy. It takes little faith to be with you. There’s minimal growth and stagnation. I realized that when I gave my life to Christ, I gave Him my dreams and visions. I want my life to be pleasing unto Him. It is my heart. I didn’t realize when I said those things that God would now be the author of my life and my footsteps would be ordered by Him. I didn’t realize I’d have to say bye to you. I didn’t realize I’d be uncomfortable more times than I’d like to be. But here I am in this foreign land and I’m not going to lie…I think about you. I’ve even cried over you. The stretching and the being uncomfortable got too much.

Although too much can be enough to quit…there is no turning back. I’m here and I’m not willing to leave… no matter how I feel. I found truth in the midst of being unsure of myself and unsure of my capabilities. I’m slowly finding peace in this foreign land and I think about you less and less. I felt if I wrote you, you’d understand why we can’t see each other anymore. If you heard my heart, we could go our separate ways in peace. Thank you for being apart of my journey, and I won’t forget the good times. God is desiring more growth from me, and He saw I was getting too comfortable with you. In order to reach my fullest potential, I’ll have to say see ya later.

Love,

His Beloved

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