I’d give you all a million hugs (although I don’t really care for hugs LOL) for all the love and support you have showed us when we announced. I was overwhelmed by the comments. I know it has been a minute since I’ve blogged, pero I’m BACK!
This all started with a prayer. My prayer although didn’t start for a child, but rather God would change the heart of my husband to want children like RIGHT NOW! We wanted children, but weren’t really on the same page when we got married on the time we would have them. 3 months into marriage, I told Jonathan I’m ready to be a mother. I told him it truly was my hearts desire and it has always been since I was a young girl. I use to envision my life with the house, white picket fence, handsome husband, and a dream team of boys calling me momma.
Nothing could prepare me for the moment he looked at me and said, “I’m not ready, and God isn’t either. I don’t have peace about it and I’d like if we could wait a year or so.” I wept. I didn’t understand. Didn’t you just hear what I just said about my dreams and visions? Did my tears not sway you at all?
I am a passionate person, and I’ve worked very hard on denying my flesh daily and always being led by truth. It was just tough. We didn’t separate, and there was never any talk of divorce. Although, our marriage had an unlined issue that no one wanted to bring up, because it would cause an argument of some sort. This went on for a YEAR. I love Jonathan and I know he hears from God, but I couldn’t accept someone telling me no. I mean it got to the point where we had a script of what to say and how to answer when we had to surround ourselves with people whom we knew would ask us about children. Crazy huh? I wasn’t saying what I really wanted to say in front of people, but rather something to help a fight not break out when we got back in the car.
Time passed and at Jonathan’s birthday I asked him what he wanted for the next year of his life and he said I’m ready to be a father. GREAT. FINALLY. This is what I’ve been waiting to hear. Let’s get down to it. I thought surely I’m going to conceive quickly, I’m Mexican. It has to happen like today.
It didn’t. Today passed. Tomorrow nothing. Not this month. Not this year. My world slowly started becoming everything pregnancy. I started the Ovulation app and started to learn my body, because Jonathan told me if you want this so much, do what it takes to be successful. Like does he really think I want to pee in a cup and put this strip in there to see when I’m ovulating. LIKE NO THANKS. This should come natural. Ps.I have a picture of the strips I used and the app linked. I was suppose to find out when my LH was high…whatever that means and then do it. Well, I became obsessed and Jonathan grew annoyed. He would tell me things like “I want to do this because we love each other, not because the strip tells us to.” Well…..let the strain on our marriage begin.
I remember going to 2 marriage retreats with my church and being upset at both. The 2nd retreat Jonathan vocalized how not having children has taken a tole on our marriage and on his wife. He felt he was losing me to something we both couldn’t control. If i could tell you the fire that was burning on the inside of me …I was so heated that he brought me up. I understand now because he was sharing his truth, but i couldn’t see that because I was blinded by what I wasn’t getting.
I remember it so vividly, Jonathan and I were in the closet and children was brought up again and he said, “Brittany, look…whether we have kids are not I’m content. I want my wife” I shot back with ” Jonathan I want CHILDREN and it’s not happening.”It frustrated me so much that he said he would be content without children.
There were nights if I can be honest, that I slept on the couch. I cried a lot. I was showing up to church defeated in my heart. God would give me visions and dreams, but my dream of having children was growing dim. We spoke with our pastors and they counseled us and my pastor told me this is our story and I had to move passed feelings and war with truth.
Our pastors instructed us to sit and talk. They said don’t get up until everything is laid out. Speak your truth. That’s what we did. We cried. He was frustrated and so was I. I needed Jonathan and the thing that struck a heart cord was when he said “I feel like I’m losing you.” Ah. No my sweet Jonathan…I’m here. I’m just under this cloud and I’m not sure how to get passed it. We decided throughout the conversation that we would get checked and go from there. We decided to choose joy and I made up in my mind that whatever God had for us, is for us.
I lost some weight due to excessive eating and started to feel more myself. I was still crying out to God. I didn’t want to let it go, but I refused for this to break up a marriage or break me. I ended up going to the doctor after many months of waiting because of fear. But there I was.Over a series of visits, I finally spoke to the doctor and after checking me …she said I was good. She said it was most likely Jonathan. I went on to tell her my LH was high that day and she gave me instructions to go home and be with Jonathan that day, the next day, and the following day. She said, when you come back, you’ll be pregnant. I smiled and said I received that! Before she left she asked, do you want me to do an ultrasound, just to see if you are? I smiled and thought in my head, no way Jonathan wants to pay that bill. He won’t even let me buy pregnancy tests.
I came home and told Jonathan the news and gave him the number he needed to call to get tested. He sat me down and said, “Babe, I know God is going to do this for us, and I really don’t want to get tested.” …….Wait, but we agreed. Jonathan insisted he knew God was going to do it and for some reason, I had peace. I cried, but I wasn’t going to go against him anymore. I could see something in his eyes, Jonathan wanted this and He had enough faith to believe. I can’t complain. I won’t complain.
5 months before all this I bought a pregnancy test in secret, because I knew Jonathan would be upset. So I hid it. Crazy, I know. I told myself, you’ll use this one when you know. Not like the other 5,000 you bought, because you were a little crazy.
February 10th, I woke up up at 5:30 am and I heard so vividly, “Go Check.” I shot out of bed and went to the cabinet where i hid the test and well you know how it works…the toilet paper rolled all on the floor so there I am picking it up and in the process I completely forgot about the test. I gathered myself and looked and boom … there it was. All the times God said it would happen. In a matter of seconds…it all flashed before my eyes.
1 Samuel 1:25-28: “I prayed for this child, and God gave me what I asked for. And now I have dedicated him t God. He’s dedicated to God for life.”
When I look at our story, I cry and I laugh. I cry, because God was faithful to his promise. I laugh because I still haven’t met Jeremiah. I’ve seen him in visions and I’ve heard words spoken over his life of what kind of man he will be in the kingdom, but I still haven’t met him. One day, he will read my blogs. One day he will read all the letters I have written to him, but until then he is still the gift I haven’t seen yet.
His Beloved and Jeremiah’s Momma